You just made me feel so damn special
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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