FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
