I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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