you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
