2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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