i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
