if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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