I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
