when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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