Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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