Umm I'm too high to move.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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