Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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