call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
