Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My vagina just recognized that song.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
