Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
