You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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