i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
