Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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