You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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