This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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