Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
