how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
