i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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