Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
