I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
