I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I will be naked everywhere
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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