One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
