Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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