i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
