he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
