i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
