Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
