Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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