gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
