Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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