One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
