All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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