i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
So apparently I’m into choking now
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