I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Randomize
