i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
