Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
