just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
