he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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