I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
