I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
