rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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