Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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