I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
