Someone shit on the floor
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My cat gives me a boner
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
