He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
