My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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