dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
