I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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